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Beware the Crunchy No-Cash Guy


I ordinarily wouldn’t call someone out for being “crunchy,” because in some respects, especially my views on some social issues, I might even be kinda granola myself. But I do feel obliged to issue a warning about the crunchy guy who doesn’t carry cash, because if you find yourself in any social situation with this man, you need to turn and walk in the other direction.

On two occasions now, I have found myself behind the Crunchy No-Cash Guy at the grocery store, and both times, he went to pay for his groceries with a credit card that was far beyond what I would describe as “abused.” This is typically a rewards card for something kind of obscure and, well, crunchy. Like amazon.com Really now, who wants an amazon.com rewards card? And this card has at least a couple of the raised numbers worn off, and it is always got a crack from being in Crunchy Guy’s pocket while he plays crunchy games, like hacky sack.

Quick sidenote on how to identify Crunchy No-Cash Guy. His hair is the first giveaway, pulled back into a pony tail, and a kinda scruffy pony tail at that. He’s wearing a kickball tournament T-shirt, or something environmental-related that looks like its been washed on rocks with acid.

He always wears tennis shoes with no socks, yet for some reason, his face is remarkably and utterly clean-shaven at 6 p.m. He carries one of those hemp or other natural fiber bags to carry his groceries in, and if you look carefully, that lump in the front of his pants is actually the aforementioned hacks sack.

Back to today’s encounter at the Columbia Heights Giant: the card our cashless Earth warrior used was not only split down the middle, it also was split along the black magnetic stripe on the back.

Now, I ask you: If you go to use your credit card somewhere, and it doesn’t work simply because of the abuse you’ve heaped on the card, are you going to keep trying to use it, especially at grocery or convenience stores where there is likely to be a line behind you?

Of course not.

I rest my case. Here’s the moral, be you crunchy or smooth, cash-laden or bare-ass poor. If you go to use your credit card, and the strip is zapped, or the numbers are worn off, or someone for some reason rolled their eyes after the third attempt of running the card through the machine, please please please call the toll-free number on the back and ask for a new one. It’s simple, it’s free, and it will make the world a (slightly) better place.

Author: Sean

I am Sean, a writer/PR guy originally from the Rural South who grew up and settled down in Washington, D.C. My interests include local politics, Eastern philosophy, languages and reality television.

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